Being a Good Lover

 Getting it right in the bedroom has many benefits, especially in a long-term committed love relationship, such as: keeping the risk of an extra-marital affair low, experiencing deep closeness, seeing the look on your grateful partner’s face, as well as giving and receiving the gift of pleasure.  If you are a really good lover, odds are you know it because of your partner’s words or your partner’s non-verbal reaction to your successful pleasuring.  But if you are not such a good lover, it is likely that you will neither be told, nor will your partner’s reactions be a full indication of your success or lack thereof.  Lovers are notorious for avoiding ego-bruising messages which say your skills could be better.  Some lovers really do fake it.

     What each individual defines as good sex can vary greatly. Getting to know what good sex means to your partner is an essential first step.  A great way of learning about this is to ask your partner about his or her “peak” sexual experiences and what made them so and also inquiring about your partner’s eroticism and embracing it is a way of practicing a deep form of loving acceptance.

     Do not assume you are a good lover; ask if there are some activities during lovemaking that could be done differently so as to please your partner more. Gracefully giving your partner the opportunity to share openly about what could be better will win his or her gratitude so long as you accept the answer without defensiveness, and with eagerness to learn and improve instead. During sex, vocalizing your pleasure is a way of sharing the best in you with your partner.  Your “song” communicates to your lover when he or she is doing something well or poorly and teaches him or her about what you like best.  Sharing your excitement vocally contributes to turning on your lover.

     Sexual dysfunctions need not derail good sex.  Ways of giving pleasure are limited only by your imagination; so don’t insist that the two of you are limited to only one or two.

     Openness to new variations battles bedroom boredom and is an attitude sure to please a more adventurous partner.  A tense or inhibited partner can be a real turn-off.  Talking about sex when outside the bedroom can significantly enhance the goodness of your sexual experiences.  Remember, sex is a team sport.  The team wins when team members synchronize with each other.  Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT is a love relationship and sex therapist who practices in the New Bedford Seaport.